Darkest before the dawn

I had planned on doing another Dr. Oz 3 day detox cleanse after Christmas because it made me feel so great when I was done and I wanted to get the new year started right.  Well, then we got visited by the stomach bug and even though I didn’t get it, I was terrified I would and lost my appetite for a little over a week.  Not eating anything but crackers, bananas, and oatmeal for a week messed up my body.  When I got my appetite back all I wanted to eat, all that sounded good, were carbs and more carbs since that’s what I had been eating for a week.  Honestly, I allowed myself to eat whatever I was craving because, I had gotten down to 110lbs.  <—— not cute.  I haven’t been able to/wanted to work out since the boys have been home so that, coupled with the craptastic diet I have been eating has REALLY been affecting me.  I have been feeling a little edgy lately but I felt like I would start feeling better soon since things have been getting back to normal.  The boys will go back to school on Tuesday, we were supposed to be getting some good news yesterday <—– more on that later…everything was beginning to look bright again.

Then…..

Today in the middle of church I had a panic attack.  I had to get up and leave.  If you have ever had a panic attack you know the feeling of fight or flight.  I felt like I was in some sort of danger and needed to run for my life!   It’s really to most ODD sensation.  I hate it.  I was supposed to volunteer in Aidan’s class this morning but I had to get out of there.  It wasn’t until I got home that I started to calm down and realize what had just happened.  It hadn’t happened in so long, I forgot what it was.

That was a wake up call for me.  I have to get back on track with my normal healthy eating and exercise.  It is essentially vital for me.  If I want to finish this race, this time of trial and patience, I have to, have to, have to be on my A- Game.  The devil is prowling, just waiting for a weak moment to attack me.  This morning was one of them.  It had been a stressful morning as usual on top of everything else…….So…..I am doing the Dr. Oz 3 day cleanse again Mon/Tue/Wed to help get me back on track.

Eat Better Feel Better

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Today’s panic attack was no doubt also a product of the two anxiety ridden days before.

Friday we got word that a buyer was “VERY INTERESTED” in our house and had asked for a seller’s disclosure.  The statement from the buyer’s agent was “The earliest we can expect a write up would be Saturday.”  SAY WHAT?!?!  Praise God….Halleluiah!  On Saturday we had two showings.  One was a new person who came 15 min early. Thankfully was had JUST left and were driving down the street to see them drive up to the house, get out of the car, walk up to the door, walk back to the car and leave.  ????? Confused smile  Who knows…Well anyway, the second showing right after that was with the buyers who were “very interested”.  Ok, first of all, I was disappointed that instead of an offer from them, we had a second showing.  We never heard anything from them that day and we STILL have yet to hear anything.  Just the constant expectation that at any moment now,  we could have all of our prayers answered is incredibly nerve wracking…..<—understatement.

Meanwhile…..our “could be dream home” is sitting out there, free game, and I just feel like at any moment now I will get a notification…..PENDING.  I seriously need a valium right now.  But you know what?  Deep….WAY WAAAAAAY down deep, I know everything will work out perfectly and that takes the edge off, a little…..

Cries

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Even though today was no bueno, SATURDAY was quite lovely….minus being on the edge of insanity waiting for the good news we were teased with.

I went to Target (happy place) to let the boys pick out some toys with their Christmas gift cards.  I found a GREAT deal on some Starbucks coffee! It was the Christmas blend for 70% off!  Holla!

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I started the day off on the right note with some oatmeal, my vitamins and a big cup of water.

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Before we left I had a quick lunch because I was running out of time before our first showing.

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The banana was good but the bar…..not so much.  “Gross” pretty much would describe it.  I didn’t take a look at the list of chemicals on the back when I bought it…..so that was unpleasant to see AFTER I had choked it down…..”Man that was not good at all…” Turns over the wrapper…..sees list of 50 impossible to pronounce words….files it under “What was I thinking?”

When I got home that afternoon I was ravenous & I ate some almonds, some turkey, a cheese stick, some Fritos with hummus, after that I lost track…..by the end of the night I had a stomach ache from all the leftover Christmas candy I ate out of sheer stress and anxiety…..Not proud of that one bit….but….it is what it is.  Hence the detox starting tomorrow….

We are ending the day with Aidan running a 102 fever…..I am ready for this to be over, on the real!!….

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Pity Party for One?

One of the things I love about sharing on this blog is that I can share my victories as well as my struggles.  This weekend was a struggle.  From Friday afternoon all the way until this morning when I had my final pity party and decided I needed to snap out of it.  I am not proud to admit that I handled my issues this weekend by turning to food.  I thought I had gotten it out of my system Friday. Saturday was really great!  But by Sunday afternoon, I was making terrible food choices again.  Jeremy had to work so I anticipated Sunday being hard. I even made many plans to stay busy, but because of a grumpy 5 year old who missed the concept of Mother’s Day, I was unable to follow through with those plans.  I felt like I was treading water just to make it through the day.  Turning to food for comfort, numbing the pain and the pity I felt for myself.

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This morning I woke up with a refreshed sense of well-being but several hours into the day I found myself completely overwhelmed and in yet another pity party (tears and all).  It’s true what they say about tears, they are healing.  I took some deep breaths and decided right then, in the middle of my kitchen still in my pajamas and bathrobe….I AM NOT going to do this.  I began to dig deep and remember a few things I have learned over the years.

First of all I remembered who I AM rather than who I AM NOT.  I recited some of my own personal Power Thoughts.

I remembered that I am no longer this woman.

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I am THIS woman

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Strong, disciplined, of sound mind, a child of God, happy, healthy and incredibly blessed.

I thanked God for these,

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and their health and happiness.

Before I knew it, I began feeling less and less overwhelmed and sorry for myself.  The word of God is a double-edged sword.

I decided I would have a healthy breakfast

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Smoothie

  • 1 cup unsweetened almond milk
  • 1/2 cup frozen blueberries
  • 1/2 cup frozen strawberries
  • 1 tbsp. chia seeds
  • 1 scoop EAS Lean 15 protein powder

And then do the Most Intense Work Out Ever, which surprisingly, wasn’t as intense as it has been in the past.  Don’t get me wrong, I was a sweaty mess and cursing that cute little Southern boy by the end, but, it was easier, and I use that term lightly.

I then had a snack of a yummy apple and some protein bread while I was heating up some soup.

Wolfgang Puck Soup

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I got myself cleaned up, make-up and all, then left for a mani-pedi and a coffee from Starbucks.

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Do you like my new ring?  It was my Mother’s Day gift!  I am in-love with it!

I made this AMAZING casserole tonight for dinner.

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Green Chili Chicken Enchiladas from Iowa Girl Eats

I didn’t like the pico de gallo (it was store bought) so I picked it off.  This was so so good!  Another great recipe from an awesome site!  I haven’t calculated the nutrition facts but I will and then post those.

I am glad I am feeling like myself again.  I am glad I remembered why I started this healthy living thing over 2 years ago and how it has changed my life.  Healthy eating and exercise are my anti-depressants.  I am glad I remembered that I have power over my thoughts and sometimes happiness is a choice.  When you set your mind on positive things, your life becomes more positive.

Here are the positive things that happened this weekend…..

“Munchin with Mom” Friday

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My White Kidney Bean Extract came in!

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I have decided that I am going to add it to the L-Carnitine/Raspberry Ketone supplement, which interestingly seems to be working!

Birthday Party Saturday.  Aidan is going through a phase of not liking to take pictures Annoyed

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My sweet Mother’s Day Cards!

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Aidan is graduating from Pre-School tomorrow!  I know it will be a total tear fest!  I better go get some clothes ironed and get myself to bed!

“For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.” 2 Timothy 1:7

Joshua

I am happy to say this day is over and a new one will begin tomorrow.  I am proud to say I made it through with grace and no binge eating peanut M&M’s or Honey Bunches of Oats. Thumbs up

It started out really great.  I got up bright and early with no problems.  I got myself ready for church & had breakfast.

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  • 1 1/2 cups unsweetened almond milk
  • 2 scoops EAS Lean 15 Protein powder in Vanilla Crème
  • 1 cup Dole frozen Strawberries & Bananas
  • 1 tablespoon chia seed.

What a yummy smoothie!  I prefer mixed berries but I am out Thumbs down.  It was super thick for some reason so I added 1/2 cup more almond milk.

Then……..the boys got up.  You know, sometimes they are just sweet as sweet can be.  But then other times, well, they just aren’t.  This morning was one of those times.  We made it out the door with just barely enough time to get to church for the early service.  Since I wasn’t scheduled to volunteer in the nursery this morning, my plan was to stop in to see if they needed any help (of course they would) for either the first or the last service.  That plan was about to get the ax.

We all got in the car and then I saw the gas light.  I had forgotten that I needed to get gas.  I thought I would be getting out of the house again on Saturday afternoon but we never did so therefore I completely forgot.  Already late, I knew I had to stop for at least a little.  The last thing I needed was to be stranded on the side of the freeway.  As I was pulling into the gas station my children start screaming….”SPIDER!!!!  SPIDER!”  I never saw the spider, but for those bug hunting, bug killing boys to have been screaming like that, it must have been some spider.

I got out of the car, in heels, with the wind blowing my dress and hair every which way.  I am not sure I have ever mentioned how much I HATE to pump gas.  I hate it.  I hate touching the nozzle, I hate touching the pin pad, it gives me anxiety because I feel like someone is going to come up to me, I hate the way it smells.  I just hate it.  I did all the necessary steps, then took the nozzle off the pump and gas starts spewing out all over the concrete, all over my shoes, my dress.  I am just standing there, holding it as far away from myself as possible, completely paralyzed as to what to do.  After what seemed an eternity, it finally stopped.  I glanced up at the price screen thing and it had spewed out $1.68 worth of gas!  BLERGH……. I realized that this was a little battle, but I was going to win.  I took some deep breaths, said some prayers and calmly drove back home.  I would go home, change my clothes, wash my legs.  I would do the dishes, sweep the floor, and then I would leave a few minutes early for my class that started at 10am.  I.Was.GOING.To.Church.

Outfit #2

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Dress: Macy’s  (I bought this dress in 2009 for a wedding.  It was the only one I felt remotely comfortable in out of the 40 dresses I tried on for this wedding.)

Shoes: Ross

Bracelets:  Coach and a gift from a friend.

Watch:Fossil

I also had on silver hoops.

Would ya’ll like a little before and after?

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October 2009                                      April 2012

Well, I made it to church, on time for class.  I had extra time to spare in between the class and the service.  I had some coffee and talked with some of the ladies that were in the class with me.  I felt complete peace.

While I was waiting for service to start I glanced at the handout they give us.  It said today’s message was over Joshua 1.  So I opened up to that scripture.

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Over the years this has been highlighted and re-highlighted, underlined and circled.  I don’t have the words to say how overwhelmed with love and peace I was in that moment.

It’s no secret that life is hard.  My life is hard, your life is hard.  But we aren’t alone in the battle.  The battle over the big stuff. The battle over the little annoying things like gas spewing all over your pretty shoes and kids screaming in the back seat because there is prehistoric spider back there.  The little stuff like boys fighting over who’s Lego part is who’s and purposefully seeking out to drive their loving and devoted mother to the psych hospital or to “See the Wizard” as it’s lovingly referred to in some lines of work.  Winking smile

I felt 100% refreshed after service and drove straight home.  Not stopping for donuts this week because,  A) we all know what that leads to….and B) because my children were acting like heathens and deserved no such treat.  They were even going to have to spend an hour in their rooms after church this afternoon, but I felt compelled to extend a touch of grace to them so I took back that punishment.  I had a banana and a Clif Kid Z-Bar in my bag and ate those on the way home.

Then when I got home I made lunch for the boys and myself.  I munched on some of their Goldfish Crackers while my soup was heating on the stove.

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Wolfgang Puck Chicken Noodle Soup.

It was super yummy, a great healthy comfort food and most importantly not a box of Honey Bunches of Oats.

I had some protein bread with a tablespoon of PB also.

My kids did this for a while.

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I did various things around the house and also napped (I had been up since 5am people!)  for about an hour.

Later we went out to get some drinks and I got this too.

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Sometimes you just need a little sweetness in your life to make it through the day.  I am proud of myself for not getting the king sized bag of M&M’s that were staring me down.  No, I got the 150 calorie treat.  YAY ME!

I wasn’t hungry for dinner but this is what I made.

Garlic Chicken with Rice

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The boys LOVED it!  I tasted it and thought it was pretty good.  It was super easy, quick, and inexpensive. I did all the prep for it Saturday night and put it together when I got home from church.  I was going to have it ready for lunch but the chicken wasn’t thawed enough this morning.  I used 4 boneless chicken breasts instead of the bone-in chicken it calls for.  If I’d known they would love it so much,  I would have used more chicken. For leftovers I should have used 6-7 breasts.  There is a lot of rice left over so I can use that for another meal.

I am off to end this day right.  Hopefully I can get more than a few pages read in Catching Fire before my eyes seal shut.

Blogging Vacation

The past weekend was lovely!  I loved spending time with my family.  They live so far away and we rarely get to visit anymore because of crazy schedules and the fact that we are 5 hrs. away from them.  I envy people who live close to their families…..Sad smile Count yourselves lucky ok?!

By the time the weekend was over I realized I was so unplugged, enjoying my time with them, that I did not take a single picture!  I love blogging.  It is such a creative outlet for me and a space where I can go on and on about healthy living and nutrition, without making my friends and family crazy!  With that said, it was very nice to have a little break.

If I was in Blogger Mode this weekend, you would have lovely pictures of the following:

Friday:

The arrival of my Sister-in-Love and my Mother-in-Love

The Soup I made Friday, which they LOVED and asked for the recipe.  I must say it was pretty good.  I sunk the chicken down into the mixture this time and it made for a much more flavorful and moist chicken.

The Easter cupcakes I saved from last week for dessert.

Saturday:

Strawberry Muffins & coffee at breakfast, sandwiches and chips for lunch.

Aidan’s last soccer game Sad smile and the unbelievable wind that came along with it.  I teased the girls that they brought the West Texas wind to Dallas!

My first trip to The Container Store.

Container Store

Oh my word was this a place of glory!

I only bought a few items, but will be going back this week for more items that will make my life all the better!

Gala (MIL) and I were talking while I was getting ready and I proposed to her a girls-only trip to The Container Store and Pinkberry.  She was ALL for it.  I told her I had been wanting to go, but there was no way on God’s green earth I was taking the boys, nor would I make Jeremy endure the unspeakable torture of looking at endless items of organization.  After going and knowing that he is almost as twisted as I am about things being neat and clean, I think he may actually enjoy it.  It’s really not as big as I had thought so we are going to spend our Date Day stop in on Thursday after lunch. Winking smile

My first trip to Pinkberry where I got the salted caramel and chocolate swirl with toasted almonds, brownie bites and cinnamon streusel toppings.  I took one bite and then before I knew it, it was all gone.  It was so incredibly flavorful and creamy.  The flavor was intense and the toppings were fresh and very homemade tasting.   I immediately informed J that this was our destination for our next date!  I think I may have become a frozen yogurt snob after that trip.  Regular Fro-Yo will never taste the same again.

We picked up some pizza for dinner Saturday night.  I wasn’t hungry after my yogurt so I skipped dinner and had an apple and an orange a few hours later.

Sunday:

My family left early and I planned on going to church.  I left my umbrella in Jeremy’s car and as we were about to leave, it started pouring down rain.  We tried to go to the last service but it was still raining. Thumbs down

We spent the rest of the afternoon going to various stores including Ulta, which they actually enjoyed!  I was quite nervous but they liked helping me pick out a new scent.

Then we went to T.J. Maxx and Barnes & Noble.  They bought a few books and Aidan, that kid, let me tell you is the sweetest thing.  He had already picked out several books when I found my favorite book from when I was a little girl.

Miss Nelson is Missing

Miss Nelson

I said “Oh Aidan look!  This was one of my absolute favorites when I was little!”  He looked at it, and then looked at his collection of books.  He said, “Ok, I will put back Curious George and we can get this one.” I said “Oh A.J. why?”  His response,  “Because it was your favorite!”  I swear, he melts me to the core.  He wanted me to read it to him that very night and I think it might be one of his new favorites too!

You also won’t see a picture of the argument Luke and I had over the books he wanted to buy or a picture of Aidan being Aidan, falling over and knocking a book out of a nice gentlemen’s hand who was passing by.

You won’t see the migraine I began to get from listening to the bickering and arguing between those two little cherubs and you won’t see a picture of the 50% off Easter candy I bought and ate out of stress.  It wasn’t my finest moment.

Luke asked me why I bought the candy.  I said “because ya’ll are stressin a sistah out!”  Ever the gentleman and polite, he said “I’m sorry we got into an argument at Barnes & Noble, but thank you for the candy.”  Smile  I said, “It’s ok and you’re welcome, but please let this be an example of what not to do when you are stressed out, M’Kay?”  “Ok.”

Last night I purged the pantry and freezer of all things sweet, salty and crunchy.   Of anything I felt could be a trigger food.  Most of it ended up in Jeremy’s lunch box since the man can’t seem to gain weight even when he tries.  True story.  I have got to refocus or my size 4’s are going to be busting at the seams. I have definitely been eating past the point of comfortable over the past few weeks and I am not sure why.  I think I have been stressed out and falling back into old habits.  They die hard ya’ know?  The number one principal in intuitive eating is to honor your hunger but ALSO and more importantly respect your fullness.  It’s ok to throw half your plate of food in the trash or put it away for later.   This will ALWAYS be a battle for me.  I am so thankful that I am fully aware of what it takes to stay healthy and on track.  So if you notice I am a little more strict in what I am eating and I am kicking the exercise up a notch, just realize I am in full DAMAGE CONTROL!

Eat responsibly

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My goals for the week:

Seriously stay away from the sweets.  On the REAL this time.

Make working out a priority, everyday this week.

Do yoga one of those days.

Drink at least 64 oz. of water each day.

Go to church Wednesday night.

Meal plan for next week, trying at least two new recipes.

Sleep.lost weight

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“When I slipped up, I pulled myself together, and got right back on track”

Weekend Woes

This weekend was pretty pretty lame.  I found myself in an unexpected funk for most of it, but I tried my best to not let it get me down.

Saturday

Breakfast

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The usual

Aidan had soccer pictures and a game Saturday morning which they WON!  Yeah!

Before the we left, I prepped something I could eat immediately when we got home.

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Tuna Fish Salad, apple, baby spinach, blueberries, carrots, feta cheese, almonds and a light balsamic vinaigrette.

I knew I would be REALLY hungry by the time we made it back home. I also knew if something healthy was not available, the peanuts wouldn’t know what hit them!

I had planned on working out sometime in the afternoon, but just the thought made me want to throw myself on the floor and cry, so I cleaned instead. Much more productive than throwing a temper tantrum.

Where was this little gem when I needed it?

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*eyeroll*

How about

“You are only one shopping trip away from a good mood!”

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  I decided I needed something new we needed to get out of the house, so I took Aidan to get a MUCH needed and over due hair cut.

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…..and a cookie for being so sweet and cute.  I shopped around the mall for a while, found everything and nothing at the same time. Not even retail therapy was kicking The Funk to the curb.

Dinner was left overs, and pretty much the same as Friday night.  I also had some cinnamon bread for dessert.


Sunday

I was hoping to wake up feeling better but no such luck.  I didn’t even feel like getting pretty for church.  I skipped church and got some more things done around the house.  I didn’t get hungry for breakfast until pretty late, 10:30am.  Most likely because I ate dinner really late Saturday night.  I ate my oats and did some thinking.  I came to the conclusion that I needed to make myself happy.  Sometimes, being happy is a choice.

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I also knew that I needed to be as far away from food as possible, even though I wasn’t hungry, I knew an empty house (Jeremy and Luke were gone all weekend) and me feeling super bummed out was a formula for disaster.  Usually I bake on Sundays….but no, that could not happen.  I did roast some sweet potatoes and cooked up some brown rice for meals this week.

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Cooking is some serious therapy for this girl.

We got ourselves dressed then left to run a few errands and do some more retail therapy.  Pretty much as soon as I got in the car I started to feel better.  I searched a few stores for the elusive perfect pair of nude wedges.  I am SUPER picky about my shoes.  I don’t think I will ever find them.  I did find one pair but they just didn’t fit right.  Thumbs down I should go back when I am in a better mood, because I REALLY love these.  I think I just needed a smaller size but was too grumpy to try on a different pair.  Aidan was also getting antsy.

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Adorbs right? I Red heart Famous Footwear

I got kind of hungry while we were out so I had my on- the- go snack

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I took a picture of the empty wrapper when I got home because I ate it in the car….Safety First!

I stopped by Old Navy and then this happened……

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Yes, that would be a size 2 pair of white shorts from Old Navy.

#1 – Size 2:  I remember not being able to button up my size 12’s.  This is also strange to me because I haven’t lost any weight since I last went shopping for jeans or shorts, BUT I have been focusing more on strength training.  Good to know!  Scales lie like the devil.

#2 – I have been searching for a pair of white shorts since last summer….they have either been too short, too see-through, too skanky or too “soccer mom”.

#3 – I thought these were $20 but when I went to check out they were $10!  Holla!

My weekend wasn’t a complete disaster after all.  I left feeling victorious and came home to get A ready for practice!

I had another snack

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Thankfully those were the only Luna Bars I got this week.

Aidan’s practice time was changed to 6pm instead of 4pm so I ate before we left.

Dinner

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Dannon Greek Yogurt in Vanilla, 1 tbsp natural peanut butter, pumpkin pie spice, 1/4 cup homemade granola, 7 almonds.

So, so yummy.

When we returned I was a little hungry and needed to take my vitamins so I had a bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats.

After everyone was in bed I settled down with the latest issue of Real Simple.  Reading magazines makes me SUPER happy. I was afraid to start Catching Fire because I knew I would be up all night.  Soon though.


I am feeling a lot better this morning.  Probably because I know my “week” is almost over.  I am looking forward to a lot of things we have planned later in the week (minus the dentist appointment I have Thursday Thumbs down). Even though I didn’t workout like I had planned, I don’t have any exercise guilt, which is progress.  I am proud of myself for not annihilating any baked goods, crispy salty things or chocolaty/peanutty goodness.

PDbuttervia

I love you Paula, but no thank you!!!

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