Not My Finest Hour

Do I even want to talk about yesterday?  No, no I do not.  But I will anyway because part of the premise of this blog is to not only share my victories, but my struggles as well.

I woke up just fine yesterday morning.  Had my coffee, did chores and then had breakfast.

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Which was delicious.  I made those pancakes again, a tsp. of PB on top of each, chia, 1/2 small banana and some turkey bacon.  This may be my new favorite.  I am going to cook up the rest of the batter, freeze them and then they will be ready to pop in the toaster anytime!  I was full all morning and it really helped me power through my workout.

Which brings me to where it all began to go down hill.  For the third time this week I had a serious case of the I-Don’t-Want-Tos. Usually what this means is that I am having burn-out and really need a break.  A break from working out, a break from my disciplined eating/sleeping schedule and a break from constantly staying on top of the laundry, dishes, toys everywhere, from getting up at the crack of dawn….for just a couple days.  Spending those days catching up on stuff I like to do, stuff that feeds my spirit.   I usually end up feeling so gross and lethargic from not working out, allowing too much junk and sugar in my body, and being lazy,  that I am more than ready to get back to my schedule. The laundry piling up starts to drive me batty and my OCD is back in full force! That’s when I know I am ready to get back to work from being on my “healthy habits” vacation.  It never lasts long and it doesn’t happen often, but it does happen.

So Friday when I was trying to force myself to get ready for the gym I was having to dig DEEP to find the motivation.  First I put on my Pandora Pop Rock Station and then just put one foot in front of the other.  Constantly giving myself a pep-talk.  “You can do this, you need to do this, you don’t HAVE to but its what’s best.  If you go and give it your all, you can take a break Saturday and Sunday.  Laze around all day, go shopping, work in the flower bed, nap.  Whatever it is you want.” Putting one step in front of the other, I finally made it to the gym and actually had a great workout.  The run wasn’t terrible.  It went by fast.  I, dare I say, enjoyed myself on the elliptical reading gossip magazines. I did an hour of high intensity cardio and I was feeling great afterwards. I thought maybe I don’t need a break after all!  Maybe it was just a bad morning. Wrong.

I had a post work out snack

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banana & almonds

Then I needed to go to two different grocery stores for stuff we needed.  I was about to chew my arm off at this point. So I had my trusty Luna Bar.  I had never had this one before.  It was GOOD!

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I was pretty satisfied after this.  We had to rush home at this point in order for me to get ready so I could take the boys for their well-child exams.  I had to leave the house just before 3 to pick up Luke and give us plenty of time to make it there by 4.  Their Pedi’s office is about a 30 min drive, but depending on traffic, it could take 2 hours! Since I wasn’t hungry, I skipped lunch and started getting ready.   What was I thinking?  I don’t know? That I smelled like a man and I didn’t want to offend Dr. Wheeler.

I really tried to plan ahead and use all the tips and tricks I knew of to eat healthy when your schedule is bonked up. Before we left I quickly grabbed a cooler and some ice packs.  I packed up everything I could so I could eat along the way.  Plus some more for the drive home because I knew the freeway we take home would be a parking lot around 5 pm.  I also filled up our water bottles and grabbed a Vitamin Water.  About 5 min down the road, my tummy grumbled.  At first I just had the carrots. Then I had the grapes and blueberries.  Traffic wasn’t bad so we got there pretty early.  I ate the almonds & then the cheese stick.  A few minutes later the Kashi Bar and the Quaker Granola Bar. Great. This is going to be disastrous come 5:30 and we are in middle of gridlock.  Hangry?  Most definitely so.

The appointment itself went really well!  The boys were charming and well mannered.  I love their Dr.  He makes me feel like a good mother.  Luke’s step-mom was meeting me after the appointment so she could take him to his dad’s for the weekend.  I told A that I would take him for some food and a treat.  I wasn’t really hungry at this point, so I was just going to get him something and go home to make a healthy dinner for myself.  Well, it took about 30 min to get to the place we were meeting from the Dr’s office. This was ample time for the hunger to arise.  How can I go from being not hungry at all to about to chew my arm off in a matter of seconds?  I don’t know, but it happened.  When I get hungry like that and I don’t have any healthy options to choose from, all bets are usually off and I make some very poor choices.  That’s why I REALLY try to always have something in my bag.

We had met by a mall and Aidan wanted Chik-Fil-A.  The only one I knew of was in the mall so we drove round and round trying to find a parking spot.  Here I am, starving, frazzled from the long day, and the traffic, driving a car I am not used to, I go to turn a corner and curb check it. The noise it made sent my adrenaline sky high. I quickly chose a spot that seemed about a mile away, surveyed the damage and thought, well good thing my super smart husband bought Enterprises’ insurance!  It took 439,582 minutes trying to get to a place to eat & I was ravenous. All bets are off ravenous.  I texted Jeremy “Good thing you got that insurance, I need a gallon of ice cream.”  Everything looked good.  Yes, even Sonic.  But no, I chose a salad and the new chicken tortilla soup from Chik-Fil-A.  I also had a few of Aidan’s fries.  But the problem was, that was not what my stress/underfed induced hunger wanted.  It wanted chocolate.  Copious amounts of sugary nutty chocolate.

I sat us down, got us all settled in and looked up to see this staring me down.

Candy World

Is this some sort of sick joke?  Why LORD WHY!?!

My burn out was in full effect.  I realized it was time to wave the white flag and go buy $10 worth of chocolate and let it soothe my frazzled nerves. Not feeling one tinge of guilt about it either.

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It looks innocent enough. What you can’t see is a HUGE turtle, chocolate and yogurt covered pretzels that Aidan and I had already eaten, and some peanut clusters.    It took an hour, a 20-30 minute drive took and hour to get home…..and this is what I ate, instead of a nutritious meal.  All the things I had learned over the past two years were thrown out the window in a moment of weakness.   This was not my finest hour friends.  I wouldn’t feel so defeated if it weren’t for the M&M’s on Thursday.  I really try hard to keep my binge eating treat days to once a week. And I plan them so I can indulge, but not because I am tired emotionally, physically exhausted or just plain worn out.  And that is what I was yesterday.  So this bothers me when I have a day where I let my emotions take over.  I know that I have had a lot on my plate this week and am really feeling out of balance and run down. I also haven’t been sleeping enough or drinking enough water.  I just hate that I wasn’t able to handle it in a healthy way.  I wasn’t able to receive the grace God was showing me.  Showing me in the boy’s good behavior, through giving me opportunities to rely on Him when I couldn’t find a friggin parking spot, through the healthy foods that I usually choose at Chik-Fil-A, and so many other things I chose not to see.  I was so run down, I couldn’t hear Him trying to help me through a rough day.

Last night I slept a total of 5 hours.  I collapsed into bed at 8:30 but woke up with a sugar hangover an hour later.  Thirsty, heart racing, borderline anxiety attack.  So I got up, had a bunch of water and wrote the Date Day post.  I was also dreadful to my sweet husband last night.

J: “Are you ok?”

Me: “Steaming mad

J:”Do you need some space?”

Me: “ What do you think?”

J: “Sad smile

later in bed….

J:”So what did Dr. Wheeler say about Aidan’s allergies?”

Me: “Don’t talk.”

J: “Ok.”

Yes, I most certainly did apologize to him first thing this morning.  He is a saint of a man to put up with me. I can be a dreadful woman.

So, I am taking a break today and tomorrow.  We won’t go into everything I have eaten today.  It’s been so sporadic anyway because I was here and there all morning.  I didn’t even think to take picture of most of it.  I had oats for breakfast,

photo 1

a small bowl of cheerios for a snack

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Luke had a Chess Tournament first thing this morning

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L chess

I had to leave early to take Aidan to his first soccer game. We were home just long enough for a snack and to change.  I had this

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an apple, almonds & a cheese stick.  Maybe I am relying on bars too much when I am busy and can’t eat something substantial.  Maybe this is part of why my sweet tooth is out of control right now.  I will work on this.

Then we were off again for the game!

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He did GREAT!  He had so much fun and I was one proud momma for him blocking 3 goals!

We got home around 1:30…needless to say, both starving;

had the leftovers from last night

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And that’s where I stopped trying to snap every little bite I took.  Sorry.  I am feeling a lot better, and I know I will get a good nights sleep tonight. In the morning I will get some food for my soul at service.  Tomorrow will be a new day! Thank God for those.

Of Interest: Trigger Foods: Foods That Make You Do Bad Things – Women’s Health Magazine

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